someone asked the question: here's my answer

love is living for another
love is
joy
desire
trust
honor
warmth
silence
noise
struggle
resolution
sacrifice. sacrifice without thought. willing sacrifice knowing that what you're about to do will hurt, knowing that you won't ever be the same after, knowing that the other person can't ever even begin to comprehend how much you sacrificed. but you don't even care. you don't even want him to know your sacrifice. you hope he never finds out how much you would do to save him or help him in the least, and still want nothing in return. you want nothing in return but you get it anyway.

love is comfort in another
love is
eating
cooking
sleeping
cleaning
paying the bills
driving to the vet
bringing him an advil at 2:30 in the morning from downstairs
cleaning out a wound without flinching
covering a bill in a tight spot
lugging 8 2-liter bottles of regular coke up three flights of stairs
(but you don't drink regular coke, only he does)
watering his 3000 plants when he's away
(twice a day)
doing anything at the mere hint of desire
(but sometimes giving him well-deserved attitude and then doing it anyway)
knowledge. knowledge of what he wants, his basic modus operandi, his past and his future, his love of cuisine and music and reading and history and politics and bbc mini-series and satire and art and everything that makes life rise above the toil. knowledge that he knows the same about you, and will work to make sure you get everything you want.

love is a pain in the ass
love is
work
daily drudgery
endless car-rides
annoying relatives
boring relatives
waits in the dentist office lounge
a bad night of gas
a bad morning for bad breath
that pimple on the back that just won't go away
routine. routine of acceptance, of habit, of knowing there will always be the bad things, but that a shared bad thing is always better than experiencing the bad thing alone. that you secretly enjoy the imperfections, love them in and of themselves as a reminder that you yourself are human and mortal, and that you can't love perfection, because it isn't human or mortal, or real. love is love of something real.

love is desire
love is
rapture
passion
burning
longing
salivating like a dog at dinner time
abandon
(even reckless abandon)
losing yourself in his limbs
begging for mercy
begging for pain
wanting the climax now
wanting the climax to never come
thrashing in the mess
carnal knowledge. an intimate carnal knowledge that you could never want to begin to feel with another. the feeling that only he will do, and that no other can approach. fantasizing about another just feels empty and cold. being with another feels like death.

only four more months

mud and salt on shoes
snow melts at windy daybreak
when come the blossoms?

impersonal personal post no. 2

today's sapped string of words, brought to you by thesaurus.com:

beat, bleary, bone-weary, bushed, crippled, crispy, dead, dead tired, debilitated, disabled, dog-tired, done for, done in, drained, effete, enervated, frazzled, had it, limp, outta gas, played out, prostrated, run-down, sapped, shot, spent, tired out, wasted, weak, weakened, wearied, worn, worn out

life often requires a lot of energy. . .

random (stream of consciousness) lists

mala educacion, third man, harold & maude, halloween, requiem for a dream, notes on a scandal, amores perros, talented mr ripley, mysterious skin, welcome to the dollhouse, king of the hill, clerks, ordinary people, ice storm, brokeback mountain, the wedding banquet, hero, the graduate, who's afraid of virginia woolf, rear window, m. . .

peer gynt suite, grieg piano concerto a minor, pictures at an exhibition, beethoven piano concerto no. 3 c minor, night on bald mountain, bartok string quartets, ravel string quartet in F, martin mass for double choir, bach b minor mass, purcell lamentations of jeremiah, shostakovich symphony no. 4, khachaturian tone poems, barber adagio for strings, respighi pines of rome, hayden die sieben letzten worte. . .

melissa hoover, rebekah fowler, rob huether, dean barr, ben rasmussen, liv loge, brent dummit, joel krier, karen miller, carlos smith, carlos cruz, dan ness, deepa nayini, scott king, jacobe caditz. . .

rock 'n' roll in arizona

best marathon of three! time = 3:41:46 (8:28 pace).

frozen marathon!

i'm about to do a marathon in "frozen" weather this sunday. while this may not seem out of the ordinary for january in chicago, this cold run will take place in phoenix, az! that's right, i'm arriving there tomorrow (saturday) just in time to enjoy a rather uncharacteristic bout of chicago-like weather. race day - sunday - will have a low of around 30 degrees and a high of around 50! not terrible for a marathon, but i was looking forward to the first long run without my winter running hat in about 3 months!

oh well, i guess at least i'll be used to the cold. . .

old thought

i know that everyone and his slow brother has probably already seen that genious flick, Mysterious Skin, but i just thought of it again today, and couldn't stop. as an adolescent and teen struggling with many issues, i used to take comfort (if you could call it that) in Gregg Araki's films such as The Living End and The Doom Generation. however, i'm quite certain that Mysterious Skin not only blows those movies away in nearly every aspect, but it manages to do the same to every other movie of 2005, period. when nary a mention was made of the genius that was that movie in neither the oscars or the independent film awards of that year, i think baby jesus must have cried.

if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and rent it. just make sure you aren't alone and near a full bottle of downers or a noose at the time.

a new year

so i'm not quite as savvy as many other bloggers, but it was evident to me that i needed a new slate this year, and what better look than to use a pic from little sayulita, the mexican village where we spent new year's 2006-2007. it calms me just to think of the view and the salty-sweet air.

"Time" for a few facts??

Time magazine recently published an opinion piece by our BFF James Dobson, decrying the shame of poor Mary Cheney's child-to-be, entitled, "Two Mommies is One Too Many." (i don't feel like linking there and giving Mr. Dobson and Times' online advertisers even more due.)

needless to say, the serpent-tongued spin-doctor's article reeked of false facts and inaccuracies regarding the abilities of same-sex couples to raise a healthy child, in bold contravention to the actual truths of decades of studies on this same topic.

even if you refuse to read the article, i beg you like-minded peeps to sign this petition by "Soulforce" to Times Magazine to publish a counter-article accurately describing the facts behind Mr. Dobson's bigoted, wilfully ignorant and un-scientific views.

brrr!

i guess that the initial excitement of doing a january marathon in phoenix was enough to blind me to the fact that i'd eventually be doing 20 mile runs in terrible weather here in chicago.

but that's exactly what happened on saturday. although it was supposed to miraculously reach into the lower 40's, it never really got much above 25 while i ran, not to mention that stiff west-southwesterly wind keeping me cursing the entire time. no wonder i had the urge to cut off both legs after i finished.

oh well, i guess that there's only one more long run until taper!

the littlest Cheney

gotta love the irony. . . (from Salon.com, Page Rockwell):

Littlest Cheney will have two mommies

Hey, Mary Cheney's pregnant! ABC News (along with other media outlets) reports today that Cheney and her longtime partner, Heather Poe, are expecting a baby in the spring. It's hard to know how to treat the news. Sure, it's nice that the couple is expecting, and it's fun to think that their nontraditional family will be rolling up to future White House Christmas parties. Vice President and Mrs. Cheney are reportedly "looking forward with eager anticipation to the arrival of their sixth grandchild," which is also swell. As the daughter of the Bush administration's neoconservative vice president and an out lesbian, though, Mary Cheney has long been a lightning rod for arguments concerning gays, lesbians and the Christian right wing. And as always, it's tough to reconcile the Cheneys' private pride with their public support of a political platform that seeks to deny rights to gays.

Çalışmak zordur.

off and on now for about three years, i've been trying to teach myself the tongue of my father('s)land: Türkiye.

i must say, that either i'm a bad student or a terrible teacher. while i can say (sort of) and understand (maybe) things like "Kedi uyuyor" or "Bu bir adam insan, hayvan değil," i have trouble with important things like "hi, i'm a liberal westerner, where's the nearest oil wrestling tournament?" or "how may i best insult your culture with my boorish american ignorance?"

sigh. someday, perhaps, i'll feel confident enough with my language skills to attempt to return to Istanbul and find some of my aunts and uncles and cousins.

until then: "güle güle, ülkeyim."

irrational perceptions

from a story getting only a bit of local press today (from the Chicago Tribune):

"An Oakbrook Terrace man was in custody Monday on charges he planted a bomb that detonated in a Salt Lake City library in September, officials said. Thomas James Zajac, of the 0-100W700 block of Butterfield Road, is charged with possession of an unregistered explosive device, said Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives Special Agent Thomas Ahern."

disturbing story, and an undoubtedly disturbed man. . . but imagine, if you will, the type of mass hysteria and seemingly unending national coverage this story would have been given had the man been named Abu al Hariri or Salem Nassim instead of Thomas Zajac.

i guess Bush's cutting back Clinton's funding of local police forces wasn't such a great idea after all.

and all guys with american flag pins look the same to me

this "quote of the day" bears repeating from america blog:

On the sectarian violence in Iraq, Sen. Trent Lott said on Thursday:

“Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me.”

god save america.

i've always wanted stephen colbert in my corner

i love the 'ON NOTICE' board!

get your own.

after this, no more scars, i promise (?)

there it sits on my left shoulder, bulging, seemingly breathing, pulsating, even talking on its own -- my very own keloid scar. this particular and rather noticeable addition to my body arrived in spectacular fashion, in a spectacular place, on a spectacular day.

there we were, several of us, mostly friends of nochd's Michael, racing the 2004 ralph's 1/2 ironman in oceanside, ca. i was having an okay day, after an extremely cold swim in the pacific ocean. (i was one of the only morons using a sleeveless wetsuit.) i was on the bike, and had just passed the extremely difficult climb and survived the extremely dangerous downhill descent. i was nearly at mile 49 of the 56-mile bike leg.

and then, i don't really know what happened: i blanked, or my tire got caught in a rut in the pavement, or a strong gust of wind pushed me to one side. but, as i was going fast, and in my aero bars, my reaction to the wiggle was too slow, and there i was on the ground, covered in dust and blood, and half in what appeared to be a rhinoceros-sized yucca plant. was my bike okay?? it seemed to be. . . was i okay? well, i had a huge gash on my left shoulder, another couple of huge gashes on my right hand, another huge gash on my left hip, right knee, and an awful case of roadrash on my entire left leg. so, hell yeah, i was ready to finish the race, no problems.

(now, you have to understand something about me. although as a rule i tend to overthink every step of my life, when i'm racing or training, my mind becomes the equivalent of a hamster running on a squeaky wheel: i have a goal, and i may never get there, but damned if i won't keep going until i can't anymore. this contrast with my usual way of doing things usually keeps me pretty balanced, overall.

to top off the control over my brain that the hamster wheel had exerted, i was also going through what you might call a pre-mid life crisis. the end of my first year as a lawyer was approaching, and i needed to prove to myself that i wouldn't ever let myself be overwhelmed and nearly killed by my profession, as my dad had lived his life. so yeah, at the point of the fall i was a bit crazy. but determined nonetheless.)

i only had 6-7 miles to go, right? that is, until the 13.1 miles running. . . and that would go just fine, right?

so, i hopped back on the bike, after straightening out the handle bars, and continued on -- dripping blood the whole time. needless to say, it was painful. i stayed on the bike for a whole mile before hitting a large bump in the road that flattened both tires at once.

now, i don't know if any of you have ever changed bike tires in a race, or if you've ever changed those tires with half the skin on your dominant hand missing. but, let me tell you, when the adrenaline is pumping, you feel little pain. so, i changed those two tubes, and hopped back on. now, only 5-6 miles left! so, i go literally 100 yards or so, and proceed to get another flat.

at that point, i had no remaining spare tubes. i was forced to stop. quite a lesson. it turns out that my skin wasn't the only damage i sustained that day: i had two cracked ribs and some torn muscle in my abdomen/rib cage. but, who can feel any of that with all that blood all over their hands? if i had tried to run that day, it would have most likely exacerbated my injuries.

as it was, i could do nearly nothing for almost 3 months waiting for all that to heal. by that point, there was really no point in continuing the triathlon season.

i guess, if anything, i learned that day that even four months of careful, exhausting and exhaustive preparations cannot prepare you fully for life. we're all so lucky just to be alive, with all that can go wrong everywhere. so, i guess, when i look at the monster that now lives on my shoulder, i should recognize it as the face of death, ever-present, taunting me, daring me to be alive.

a run a climb a (new) bike and some sushi

last night was one of those nights when you do more than you think possible. started out by shedding my suit at the office for some running shorts and my camel back to meet up with my "adventure" racing team. we then ran about 8 miles to one of those tall condo buildings on the north shore and proceeded to quickly climb 40 stories. then a quick view from the roof, then a quick dip in the pool. . .

at that point, i had to drag myself back down to bucktown to pick up my (new to me) tri-bike. my previous racing bike having been stolen in broad daylight from outside my gym, i needed a replacement. so i'm now the proud owner of a 2004 quintana roo "ti-phoon" that was previously built for none other than Michael Lovato. (now i'm sure to place in every race i do. . . ) let's hear it for craigslist!

then i shlepped back up to the hood for some wine and sushi at wakamono, a cool little sushi spot from the people that brought us "ping-pong."

all in all, much more fun than i'm used to these days on a school night. i'll have to enjoy these "free" nights while i can before the kid arrives!

almost as cool as GPS!

now that the "gaymes" triathlon has kicked by (seemingly) too large butt, i'm more motivated than ever to do well at this year's chicago tri. . .

and i've just discovered this site that allows me to trace my runs onto a google map and get an exact distance reading!! too cool.

low oxygen content

it seems that the worst heat wave in a decade has decided to descend upon greater Chicago just in time for gay games vii. bringing with it a hundred percent humidity and near hundred degree temperatures. . . you gotta love the midwest.

sunday morning will be spent by many, including myself, trying to replace gallons of lost water while at the same time slogging through the watery air during the triathlon. should be a blast. a part of the motto for these games is "personal best."

we'll see.

collateral damage

in March of 2003, secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld said during an interview with George Stephanopolous on ABC's This Week, said about the Iraq invasion:

"So it's not just that we win, it's also how we win. And if you think about it, the Iraqi people are in large measure hostages to that vicious regime. And we can do this, and we can do it, I hope and pray, with limited loss of innocent lives."

the los angeles times reported yesterday, however, that at the lowest possible estimate, 50,000 Iraqi citizens have lost their lives since the U.S. led invasion in March 2003. this number is almost certainly too low because of provinces like Al Anbar and the Kurdish territories that have reported or recorded no such data to Baghdad officials.

and, as the article also points out, 50,000 people in a country of only 29 million would here mean proportionally about 570,000 U.S. citizens, or a 9/11 disaster every 5 or 6 days since March 2003.

!!